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Friday, August 13, 2010

Welcome to Fairport Academy!

As you enter your teenage years, you may have noticed changes coming over you, physically and emotionally. New feelings and sensations, certain stirrings in certain parts of your body. This is called puberty and is perfectly normal. You may also have noticed that you can fly, sing in a very high voice and turn strawberries blue with your mind. This is not normal and is in fact very unusual. It means you are a 'Wittertainer', a human subspecies blessed with extraordinary powers. Congratulations.

Welcome to the official website of Fairport Academy, the world's finest Wittertainment Education Centre!

Situated on the picturesque Fairport Island off the east coast of Australia, Fairport Academy was founded in 1858 by Jeremiah Fairport, once of the most powerful wittertainers of his day. Dubbed 'Mains de Flappy' by his students, Jeremiah was headmaster for twenty years and ushered an entire generation of Witters through the spotty hell of adolescence into the cynical arrogance of young adulthood.

Famous students from Fairport's history include Mark Kermode (President of the Zac Efron Appreciation Society), Simon Mayo (voted #1 Charles Hawtrey impersonator 3 years running), music hall comedy double act Boyd & Floyd and former member of the Village People Jason Isaacs. Hello to Jason Isaacs.

Fairport offers a whole range of subjects, from the standard (Calculus, Biology, Quiff Maintenance) to the arcane (Advanced Zither Orchestration, 'Slade In Flames' Studies and Sport). Over your four years at Fairport, you will learn to take it like a man, feel like a natural woman and ring them bells, you heathens.

We encourage healthy competition among the student body. This often takes the form of Debating Societies, Chess Games and knife fights at Brighton Pier. When you arrive in your first year, you will be assessed and assigned a school house - either 'Mod' or 'Rocker'. Please see Mr. Ace Face when you arrive.

As part of our exchange program with the Werner Herzog Rogue Film School, our headmaster for the upcoming school year will be eccentric Bavarian filmmaker Werner Herzog. Students will be familiar with Mr. Herzog's work and may recall our 2009 school production of 'Grizzly Man! The Musical'. Theremin Instructor Pentangle will be heading to Germany as part of the exchange. Mr. Herzog has very kindly agreed to comply with Fairport staff facial hair requirements and grow a moustache for his time here.

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